Gaslighting in the workplace leaves victims in mental and emotional disarray. They struggle to make sense of their manipulated reality which leaves them confused, paranoid, and unable to function.
Gaslighting is every bit as ‘crazy-making’ as it sounds. Unless you’ve experienced it first hand, it’s hard to believe that anyone would do something so cunning and deliberately destructive. Sadly, gaslighters are alive and well and they lurk in the hallways of many companies and organizations.
In this article, the third in a series on gaslighting in the workplace, you’ll learn what you can do if you find yourself targeted. However, I should caution you. Despite what you may hear to the contrary, staying in your job after being gaslit can be more than a little unsettling. There are exceptions. But as a general rule, getting out is the best course of action. I know, it’s deplorable that the gaslighter shoots up the corporate ladder while you’re left having to change your career and rebuild your life. But having been manipulated, spun around, isolated, and tarnished, staying in your job can be far more detrimental to your career and your health than if you start afresh elsewhere.
You may think this sounds very ‘doom and gloom’, but it’s simply the reality of the disruption caused by gaslighters. But there is good news. Once you remove yourself from the gaslighter’s clutches, you can and you will get back on your feet. You will bounce back. Yes, it will take courage, strength, energy, and determination. But rest assured, there is life after gaslighting.
Here are some techniques to help you protect yourself and minimize the effect of the gaslighter while you work on your exit strategy.
1. Call it Out
If you recognize the signs during the seduction or disruption stages, call it out. Gaslighters take their power from operating under an invisible cloak. They work on the basis that the majority of people have a conscience and will never believe their actions are anything other than well-intended. They put a tremendous amount of faith in the belief that they can remain hidden in plain sight. However, you shine a spotlight on their behavior and call it out for what it is, and they are immediately exposed. And exposure dilutes their power.
This doesn’t need to be a public act. In fact, I would recommend it isn’t. Simply tell them you know what they’re doing and tell them to stop. While the abuse may not stop completely, the intensity is likely to diminish.
2. Be Silent and Be Still
Gaslighters need fodder for their manipulations. Don’t give it to them. When they try to bait you, remain silent. They will escalate. Still, remain silent. It will be hard. Very hard. But tell yourself that you know what they’re doing, you know they’re trying to get you to bite, you know you’re being provoked. Decide not to respond. You’ll want to. You’ll want to react and lash out in frustration. And the gaslighter wants you to react so that they can collect witnesses to testify to your emotional outbursts. But be still. Say nothing. And as soon as you have the opportunity, walk away. The gaslighter is able to manipulate you only if you provide a reaction for them to feed on. As hard as it will be, stay silent and still. In doing so, you deprive their plan of the essential element it needs to succeed: your emotions.
3. Document Your Reality
If you feel you’re starting to lose your grasp on reality, if you’re starting to doubt yourself and your memory, document what you see, hear, and do, as it happens. Avoid passing judgment on your observations and stick to the facts. Write down only what you see, not what you think you see. Write down only what you hear, not what you believe you hear. And write down what you do in specific situations. Avoid the temptation to attach meaning to your failing memory or muddled thoughts. You’re not going crazy and you’re not losing your edge. You’re just in the middle of manufactured turmoil. Remind yourself that the gaslighter is doing everything in their power to confuse you. Stick to the facts as they appear in front of you, and document them. It will help you keep a grip on reality so that you can think clearly and work on your exit strategy.
4. Disengage
Avoid the temptation to highlight the gaslighter’s rudeness, behavior, or comments. Remember, the gaslighter will have duped a league of supporters into believing his or her distorted reality. Any attempt you make to undermine that reality will serve only to reinforce it and further destabilize your position. Your comments and observations will be interpreted as ‘proof’ of your instability and warped sense of reality. You’ll appear crazy and you’ll become progressively more isolated from your colleagues.
Disengage from the gaslighter’s false reality and, hard though it may be, stay in touch with what you know to be real and true.
5. Say Nothing
The temptation to confide in a close colleague will be overwhelming. At all costs, resist it. The gaslighter will know who you socialize with, who you trust, and with whom you share information. And they’re masters at extracting information from people. They will work their evil magic on your confidants until the beans are spilled. With the best of intentions, people will share information which the gaslighter will use to poke at your vulnerabilities.
A commonly perceived ‘safe haven’ is human resources. However, there is no solace to be found there. Consulting HR will usually cause you more harm than good. HR professionals are often the first to be exposed to a gaslighter’s smear campaign. Having sullied your reputation with stories of emotional instability and dwindling performance, any attempts to make yourself heard are likely to be perceived as a smoke-screen.
Even outside the office, avoid speaking with anyone about your situation. Gaslighters are without scruples, and they won’t hesitate to attempt to extract information from your family and closest friends. Gaslighters have been known to call partners of employees with tales of concern and a desire to help. In the belief that you have a kind and caring boss, a well-intended, loving partner will share information they believe can help you. However, the gaslighter will simply use it to sink their claws in even deeper.
If the urge to confide in someone becomes overwhelming, seek help from a professional coach or therapist. Otherwise, say nothing to anyone.
6. Plan Your Exit
Gaslighting rarely resolves itself. Even if you’re able to manage the situation, you’ll be left with a degree of self-doubt, damaged confidence, and mistrust of the people you work with. The constant looking over your shoulder, wondering who you can and cannot trust, and the act of documenting everything, will eventually exhaust you to the point of mental and physical dysfunction.
Do what you can to manage the situation and, whenever possible, take time away from work. Update your resume and begin your search for a new job. And keep your plan completely to yourself. Reveal it to no-one. Gaslighters will systematically shut down your plan once they become aware of it. They’ll start rumors, make sure their network and yours know that you’re ‘having problems’. They’ll plant subtle seeds of doubt in head-hunters’ minds, and they’ll tarnish your reputation. They will make sure that everywhere you turn, you hit a wall.
Keep your exit plan under wraps until you’re fully ready to execute. And once you’re ready, move quickly.
Conclusion
Becoming the target of a gaslighter is possibly one of the most unpleasant and destabilizing things you will ever experience. It can throw your career and your life into a frenzied mess of confusion and paranoia. Your best defense is information and education. Inform yourself and know the signs. Listen to your intuition. Without exception, every victim of gaslighting I have ever spoken to has said the same thing: “The signs were there, but I looked past them.” When you see a red flag, pay attention to it.
Escaping gaslighting in the workplace isn’t easy. But it is possible. Get out of the situation as soon as you can and move on. Don’t look back. And life will go on.
Read the rest of the series here: Part 1 and Part 2
