Gaslighting in the workplace is a tactic used by power-crazed people to manipulate a person or group of people to question their reality. It’s a deliberate, methodical act that leaves victims mentally and physically dysfunctional.
In today’s hyper-competitive environment, gaslighting has become a heavily favored tactic for those who want to get ahead at the expense of others. It’s a predatory act. And it’s entirely disruptive to lives and careers.
In part two of this three-part series, we draw back the curtain on gaslighting and expose some of the tactics gaslighters use to bait their prey.
In order to know if you’ve been targeted by a gaslighter, it’s vital to gain some insight into their intentions and methods. Armed with this knowledge, you stand a much better chance of catching the process in the early stages. You can then take action to protect yourself and hopefully, thwart the gaslighter’s plan.
There are three main stages of gaslighting. I call them ‘seduction’, ‘disruption’, and ‘manipulation’.
Phase 1: Seduction
This is the grooming phase.
The gaslighter selects a victim and gets to work on gaining their trust. In this phase, the gaslighter will be friendly, helpful, and supportive. They will want to get to know you and may often suggest you have coffee or lunch, or they may just stop by your desk to see how your weekend went. The gaslighter will be kind, thoughtful, and will seem genuinely interested in you and your work. They’ll want to know what you’re working on, your career aspirations, and who is ‘in your way’. They’ll tend towards gossip to gauge your reaction. If you engage, they’ll use it as open license to criticize your colleagues; albeit indirectly. They’re baiting you to speak ill of those you work with so they can later use your remarks as ammunition. They will say such things as, “If [insert name] were as smart as you, all our lives would be easier”, and “You can run rings around him”. Their intention is to boost your self-esteem and confidence while slowly isolating you from your colleagues.
They’ll actively promote you to your boss and colleagues, and they’ll ensure that everyone who is anyone knows that they are supportive of you and your work. They may even go as far to be protective of you, offering support and back-up during difficult presentations and important projects. As you look around the office, you’ll notice that you have been singled out as their ‘star’. You and only you are getting this personal attention. If this person is a superior, they may even promote you or give you additional responsibilities or a starring role on a highly visible project.
While many of these things happen daily in the workplace, be on the lookout for warning signs. If the ‘attention’ starts suddenly and if the person is asking a lot questions about you but offering nothing about themselves, beware. If you are being treated differently – more preferentially – than others, take heed. All this is done to gain your trust and to boost your self-esteem. The gaslighter wants you to believe that they ‘have your back’ and will invite you to confide in them. And you will. It’s all too easy to be drawn into the world of the charming gaslighter. But once they have you under their spell, they will move onto phase two.
Phase 2: Disruption
Now that you trust the gaslighter and believe they are your biggest supporter, they will begin the process of distorting your perceptions, and disrupting your grasp on reality.
This process starts slowly. Having been a staunch supporter for so long, the gaslighter will now pepper your days with the seeds of doubt. They will say such things as, “You must have accidentally deleted the invite from your calendar” when you miss a meeting you’re convinced you were never invited to in the first instance (because you weren’t!). They will ask you for reports or projects a week ahead of the deadline you know you agreed.
And when you say that it’s not due for another week, they’ll say “Is everything okay? It’s not like you to miss a deadline.” They’ll feed you false numbers and when you include them in a report or presentation, they’ll say “No, those numbers aren’t right. Everyone, please disregard that last part until those numbers are corrected.” They will take every opportunity to subtly undermine you and lead you into a state of confusion and self-doubt.
During important presentations, they will leave you hanging where previously they supported and even defended you. As you’re conveying an idea you discussed previously, they’ll interrupt you and say something along the lines of, “Actually, that’s not quite accurate”, before turning away from you as they explain what is ‘accurate’.
They may offer to take important projects off your desk – ones they gave you to manage – as they express concern for the effects your workload seems to be having on your mental health. And they’ll consult with others, expressing concern for your health and well-being. “Have you noticed that Mary seems to be really stressed these days? I’m worried about her.” Or they may suggest that the team, “Avoid passing on any work to Mary as she’s exhausted and struggling to keep up. I’m very worried about her.” And that’s how it happens. Seeds planted. Now, not only do you believe you’re losing your mind, your colleagues believe it too.
This phase can go on for months. Progressively, the gaslighter will nibble away at your self-esteem and confidence until you have very little, if any, remaining. Once self-doubt takes a hold, your world starts to fall apart. Hesitation and procrastination take the place of decisive action. You struggle to get work done as you constantly second guess yourself. You will question your competence and you may start to believe that your previous success was just luck.
During this phase of the gaslighters plan, you will – at some point – become dysfunctional. And when you’re sufficiently spun around and tied in knots to the point that your ability to work has been severely impaired, the gaslighter will move into phase three.
Phase 3 – Manipulation
With your sense of reality severely distorted, the gaslighter is now at liberty to create it for you.
During this phase, the gaslighter will shift between abundant praise and overt criticism. You’re so confused about what is and isn’t real, you wait for instruction before doing anything. And that’s catnip for the gaslighter. Now they have you exactly where they want you. Paralyzed with confusion and fear to the point of dysfunction.
The gaslighter will berate you for failing to take initiative and, when you do, they’ll criticize your work or your disregard for teamwork. They will adopt such behaviors as leaning over you and placing a hand gently on your shoulder while saying such things as, “I can’t keep covering for you. You need to get your act together”. And they’ll be sure to do it with an audience and a smile. They want other people to see, but not hear these interactions. From a distance, their actions will appear those of a concerned colleague or boss. And when you become agitated and frustrated – which you will – everyone will see that too. Now, you look like the crazy, out-of-control one, and the gaslighter appears to be the ‘victim’.
Slowly but surely, the gaslighter will leave you out of important updates and then criticize you for not knowing what is going on. They will deliberately misinform you and then remove responsibility when you repeatedly pass on incorrect information. They will appear to give you multiple chances to improve, each time setting you up to fail. They will feign concern when you get frustrated and angry, and they will take discreet pleasure in your failings.
It’s at this point that many people realize something is very wrong and they often consult with human resources. However, be careful. I guarantee the gaslighter got there before you. They will have already advised H.R. of your erratic behavior, emotional outbursts, and waning performance. Your visiting H.R. adds fuel to the fire. And remember, the gaslighter secured witnesses to testify to your outbursts.
Workplace gaslighting is designed to ensure people come undone. It’s intensely disruptive to mental and physical health. It’s a deliberate act, specifically designed to get the target out of the way. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t get better. And I have yet to see a case of the gaslighter being fired for gaslighting. They’re notoriously adept at ‘managing up’ and sadly, they often shoot up the corporate ladder at warp speed.
Inform yourself, learn to spot the signs, and trust your instincts. The red flags are there; pay attention to them.
In the final part of this three-part series, I’ll provide some clear guidance on what to do and what not to do if you find yourself targeted.
