How many times in your life have you told yourself you need to enforce boundaries?
If you’re like most people, probably more than once.
Those days when your boss yells at you, a colleague claims credit for your work, or you’re told you have to attend an overseas meeting on your kid’s birthday. Those are the days when you wish you’d enforced your boundaries. For while the vast majority of people appreciate the value of boundaries, very few actually enforce them. Many people I’ve worked with tend to believe that boundaries are about defending one’s territory, standing up for oneself, and learning to say “no”. Yet it’s this misconception of what boundaries are that can cause people to be reluctant to enforce them. And that can quickly end a promising career.
Here’s a case in point.
I am currently working with a client – who we’ll call ‘Jane’ – who has been experiencing significant ‘people problems’ in the office for quite some time. Her last two performance reviews have recorded that she is ‘negative’ and ‘difficult to work with’; an opinion shared by the majority of her colleagues. Avoided and isolated by her co-workers, Jane has become increasingly frustrated by the way she is treated and perceived and she has felt powerless to change the situation. The situation reached a critical point when Jane was placed on a performance improvement program. Jane arrived at my door chronically stressed and looking for solutions to how she might alleviate her stress by changing her colleagues’ behavior towards her so that she can do her job. She would be the first to admit that she held her colleagues responsible for her predicament. However, as we worked through the situation, we uncovered that the root cause of her problems is, in fact, her reluctance to enforce boundaries. For years, she has allowed her boundaries to be consistently violated by her colleagues. While Jane’s perception of these violations is that her colleagues don’t respect her or her contributions, her colleagues are actually completely unaware of the violations. The net result is that Jane has become increasingly frustrated and angry with co-workers who are doing nothing more than trying to get the job done.
On digging deeper, Jane revealed the reluctance to enforce her boundaries was born out of the fear of being perceived as rude, snappy, or off-hand. However, this is exactly how she has been behaving by failing to enforce her boundaries. What she feared may happen if she enforced her boundaries has actually happened because she didn’t!
This is not a unique case. While many people believe that they’re disrespected or under-valued, the solution to their problems often resides with them, and not – as they believe – with their colleagues or their boss.
So what, exactly, are boundaries and how do you establish them?
Simply, a boundary is a statement of truth. It is a statement of what you will tolerate and the extent to which you will tolerate it. When used effectively, a boundary is a clear request with a really clear consequence. Boundaries protect you from feeling powerless and helpless. They can have a hugely beneficial effect on your professional relationships, your mental health, and help improve your career.
Therefore, it is vitally important to establish clear boundaries.
Here’s how to do it effectively.
Inform others when there has been a boundary violation. And then tell them what action you’ll take if it doesn’t stop.
Our boundaries are known only to us. They’re invisible to others until we reveal them. And revelation happens only when there has been a violation. For example, violations can occur when your boss yells at you, when your calendar is consistently booked with back to back meetings and no breaks, or when you’re repeatedly given unreasonably tight deadlines.
Define your personal boundaries and be very clear on what is and is not acceptable to you. And when a boundary is violated, immediately let the violator know by following this simple formula.
“If you continue to do [enter boundary violation], I will [enter consequence].
For example, “If you continue to yell, I will leave the room”, or “If you continue to take credit for work we produced collectively, I will introduce a documented sign-off for each stage of the project.”
When enforced, a boundary must have a consequence. This is not a veiled threat, but a simple statement of what will happen if your boundary is repeatedly violated. And you must follow through. Failure to do so serves only to allow the violation to become consistent and persistent. In fairly short order, you will feel powerless, frustrated, and resentful. You’ll hear yourself blaming and criticizing your colleagues, complaining about your work or your work environment, and generally being negative. Take this as a warning that you may not be enforcing your boundaries and take time out to do some work on yourself. It is far more common that we create our own problems than it is to have other people create them for us.
Now, I’m not suggesting this is easy. While the concept of enforcing boundaries is annoyingly straightforward, execution can feel uncomfortable and difficult. It is easy to assume that the imposition of boundaries will result in conflict. And it may. But that conflict will almost always be short-lived. However, failing to enforce boundaries will guarantee longer term, festering conflict, as is the case with Jane. Consistent boundary violations cause a reaction so vehement and so strong that careers and reputations can be ruined. It is always preferable to communicate from a place of calm control than one of anger, frustration, and resentment. And contrary to what many believe, boundaries do not inhibit or threaten personal and professional relationships. They provide the foundations to allow them to flourish and thrive.
Boundaries allow you to protect your self-esteem and self-worth and provide a means to teach others how to treat you. Boundaries protect you from becoming robotically people-pleasing and subsequently bitter and resentful. By knowing and stating your truth, you are simply guiding others in their interactions with you. Though not easy to do, establishing and enforcing boundaries is an emotionally mature and selfless act. It’s never too late to begin practicing the art. Once you do, you’ll experience a dramatic difference in your professional relationships, your mental well-being and self-confidence, and your ability to achieve your career goals.
